Poor Stevie

If I were British, and grew up on the estate, I would have totally hung out with Lady Sovereign when we were growing up. Joel and I went to see her on Saturday night, and for the first time since I wanted nothing more in this world than to plough Josh Homme, I have post-concert blues.

She played at The Forum which has the coolest toilets in the world, I spent a lot of time in them. She had like 52 support acts and wasn’t scheduled to appear until midnight and didn’t show her little ratish face until half past. By that time, I was getting fed up with the weird but expected crowd of people who were a mixed bag of little skanks in high heels, K-Fed looking guys, massive goths and little girls with their mums. I always forget how much I hate people until I’m forced to be standing up close and personal with them in a crowd.

* As a sidenote, I firmly believe that while I subject myself to these crowd situations, I still have personal space. You do not point across the room to your friend while ignoring that my nose is actually attached to my face, you do not wave your cigarettes around dangerously close to my retina, and you do not dislodge your chewing gum from your girlfriend’s tonsils while I’m standing in the middle of both of you, thankyou *

Lady Sov had the worst supports. Some band called The Bumblebeez made some noises that made me feel like someone was kicking me repeatedly in the head with a steel capped boot. And the girl who fronted the band was totally shit, looked really bored the whole way through and was wearing stupid stripy leggings. Once they had finished, there was about a 20 minute wait for the biggest midget in the game. When she finally appeared, I totally fell in love. She spoke at length between songs, she showed us her bra covered boosies, she wiped her bum with a Britney Spears t-shirt, she spat, drank beer, signed people’s things, flashed her famous hairy armpits (which were very impressive).

I could tell she’s incredibly witty and unspoilt by her fame. Plus, she said some of the funniest things I have ever heard…..like she told everyone to stick their middle fingers up at one point and then said, ‘yeah like this, usually I prefer two though’. Man, I wish I could take my dirty sense of humour, put it to music and dance around a stage.

It is well and truly up there as one of the best shows I’ve ever been to, despite having to stay up way past my bedtime.

Also..I know two picture posts in one day is too much, but here is a photo of me on my last night hanging out in Bathurst ever. The pub was empty except for these mingas who insisted in having their photo taken with me. Really weird and distressing, as illustrated.

I stole this photo from my friend’s myspace. That’s right Bron, I am watching you. Now. Hey, isn’t that my bra?

Things I will miss about home: A photoessay

Tonight a mean man in a big truck will come and load all my belongings in a truck. In the morning he will kidnap me and take me to Sydney and force me to work in order to pay half of his rent and buy half of his groceries. This horrible man’s name is Joel. He is my boyfriend.

My little stomach is churning a little because I love home so much. My favourite time of the day is when my mum comes home and we drink wine and chat. Then my dad will come home and we will drink more wine and chat. 

I’m lucky to have lived at home for the last couple of months. I like living here because no one can see you. I have done a lot of dancing on the driveway and in the paddocks. Love you Rosings! 

Here are some of the things I will miss the most: 

Goodbye convenience! Hello stinky tea towels and soap suds…

Goodbye satan spawn! This cat is teeny tiny and completely irresistable. But as soon as you pick her up she sticks her claws into your chest, yelps and pushes herself out of your arms. She wouldn’t let me take photos of her so she hid behind the couch and tried to attack the string hanging off my camera. She has learnt the art of playing hard to get…

Ohhhh black betty. Betty is very emotional. Once when mum and dad went away and they took her to the shelter at the vets, she stopped grooming herself out of protest and developed huge dreadlocks. She has done the same recently because she knows her favourite member of the family is leaving. Actually, I have a very turbulent relationship with Betty. There have been many, many times when she has bitten me. See, look at her checking me out through her third eyelid…

This was the bed I slept in as a teenager. Itsupported me through many boy dramas, friend dramas and HSC dramas. I have always slept well on this bed. Ah pish, I would sleep well on a cold block of cement with wee all over it. This was also where I dreamt about Trent Reznor coming to stay over and falling madly in love with me. I don’t like making my bed…

Awww! The snoozing beagle. Bill is very old and I snuck up on him to take this picture. He woke up a few seconds later, looked at me like I was a pervert and came out of his kennel to roll around in the dust. He’s such a loyal old fellow. When I was little, he would come and nuzzle his head under my arm until my arm was around him like he was my boyfriend. I will miss having a dog to pat. Although, he caught warts from our cattle and I don’t want to catch them. Bill, I will never cut your ears off with scissors. Ever. 

Farewell full pantry. The only thing about mum’s pantry is there is never anything you can snack on in there. Sure, there are all the ingredients for tiramisu, but I have to make it myself. There have also always been cans of corn kernels in our pantry for some inexplicable reason. No one ever eats them. Except maybe the poor people we used to give them to at Christmas time…

This car’s name is Gabbi because we bought her from a girl at my school called Gabbi. Julia drove her first. She used to have a horrible tendency not to start when required (Gabbi, not Julia). Under my care, Gabbi has been broken into, pissed on, spewed on and her poor little horn plate was smashed by an unnamed passenger. She must totally hate me. But I love her. 

The amazing view from our backyard. Yesterday there was one of our little steers in that dam all the way in with just his little head poking out of the water. So cute. Check out the huge country sky. Siiigggggghhh!

I will miss my daddy. Sweet Davis

I will miss kissing my mummy goodnight. Goodnight mum! Sweet dreams! Awww…. love you!

There are so many people I hate. I really waste a lot of energy on them.

I had a strange movie experience over the weekend. I went to see a Swedish film called As it is in heaven. It was the type of film my scriptwriting tutor at uni would have raved about. It was so full of cliches, cheese and vomit inducing scenes. Here are some examples:

- The two main characters finally get it on towards the end (I’m not spoiling anything because if you go and waste your time/money on this piece of crap it is your own fault) when they realise they’re in love with each other. The male character lives in a schoolhouse where one wall is painted with little angels to represent all the children who were students there. After they have humped, she turns to him and says, ‘I think we should add another little angel to the wall’. Firstly, how does she know she’s knocked up? How does she know his sperm isn’t faulty? Secondly, as if any woman in her right mind would turn to her new lover and tell him she is up the duff. I can’t imagaine something that would make a man put his underpants on backwards faster. Thirdly, Sex is not ‘making love’. Sex is when two people rub their genitals together until one of those sets of genitals explodes.  

- The main male character is an ex-mega famous composer who moves back to his childhood village after having a near fatal heart attack. His whole aim in life is to make music to open people’s hearts. He starts to lead the little village choir and of course they become totally great and they go to a choir competition. He sees his old agent/mentor man and runs to him. The old man asks him, ‘why are you teaching these people?’ ‘what have you learnt?’ ‘where has your journey taken you?’. Show NOT tell.

- In the final scene, the composer man keels over, while his choir are standing on stage waiting for him. They all start humming, and making beautiful angelic noises, because yes that is what you would do if you were a choir and your conductor was missing. All of a sudden the audience all stand and start doing the same thing.  Seriously, why didn’t the film makers organise for the kids who worked at the cinema to come in half way through and bash us over the heads with big wooden mallets that said, ‘love’, ‘life’, ‘struggle’, ’peace’. ‘journey’, ’lessons’, ‘morals’, ‘journey’?  

This was a film that was nominated for Best Foreign film at the Oscars. Seriously, just kill me now. Do it. Now. 

When mum and I raced out of the cinema, it turned out we had been sitting in front of two teachers (who are married) from my old high school who I absolutely hated. The man was once my Studies of Religion teacher who spelt ‘Africa’ ‘Afirka’. Of course, they were both looking up atthe screen like they had just seen JC himself.   People are dicks.
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On the weekend I celebrated my 21st. There was nothing to it really, nothing different than any other birthday, except that people wrote ‘congratulations’ on my cards rather than ‘happy birthday’. Why? It’s not like I live in Detroit with Kim Basinger and Eminem and I’ve taken a couple of hits so everyone is surprised I made it. 

I suppose though, there have been a couple of things in my life that signalled the end – the big c, being run over by a partially blind man just after the big c and more recently a spider jumping down on me while I was driving at 100 kilometres an hour. That’s right. First a man eating wasp, now a spider – the only thing I fear. 

Anyway, here are some special pictures I would like to share with you. You weren’t invited because I hate you. 

I’ll start with the best first. This was an amazing dessert – chocolate tart with pink peppercorn icecream. I’m glad I captured this moment in time, that way in some parallel universe I’ll always be eating chocolate tart. 

This is Julia and Mum in the limo preparing to take me to the Chateau de Mayfield. Check out our farm in the background.

Joel admiring the spectacular countryside. In Calvin Klein

The restaurant. Looks like just a house to you doesn’t it? Well you’re right. We held an old lady at gunpoint and forced her to cook us a four course meal.  Food always tastes better with a hint of murder….

Here’s the table minus my dad. See Mary and Andrew totally making out in the corner? I could barely hold down my dinner. PS. How super hot is my mum!?

This photo displays my distinct lack of talent as a photographer. But not as a hottie spy! See that guy over my mum’s shoulder? Tote Mr Darcy lookalike. It’s a shame his girlfriend later tipped wine on the table and not on his pants – maybe then he would have taken them off and dived into the nearby lake. 

We love red wine!!! (And Joel clearly likes a bit of horse too)

You may think the important question here is, ‘what the hell was she doing with her face?’ My question to you is, ‘why the hell did Joel have his hand on his crotchclearly in a state of sexual ecstacy, and why was Julia watching!’

Me and my sweet Dave. He was once a teen model. I was once a teen..