Today has been the lamest day in the history of lame days:
+ Wake up late, figure it’s better to wait around and watch Ellen and Oprah before venturing into the city to buy a card for Joel’s grandma to thank her for letting us use her holiday house as a brothel/meth lab for two weeks. Feel okay about wasting time because I’m going to kill it at hip hop class tonight.
- Ellen Show had lame guests, Oprah was about old people.
+ Look at eBay and find a cute-slash-hideous owl shaped watch. Also find online shop for Melissa/Vivienne Westwood shoes. Consider making purchase(s).
- Decide it is too dangerous to go into the city with money burning a hole in my pocket. Walk to Neutral Bay, where the only shops are orthopaedic shoe boutiques, instead.
+ Buy card, look in Blockbuster and hire Two Days in Paris to fill my evening alone while Joel has dinner with buddies.
- Buy antihistamines for crappy allergies to crappy house.
+ Spot bank branch, judge it excellent time to open a savings account with a good interest rate to help me fund my own trip to Paris. Feel smug and organised.
- Helpful man behind the counter tells me my regular account is so old that no one has one anymore and those who do pay expensive, unreasonable fees. These include charging me for every single transaction, every time I go into any branch and seven bucks each month for, you know, not much. Also says bank will snatch my newborn child from between my quivering thighs and force me to cut the cord with my teeth whenever I decide to reproduce.
+ Helpful man switches me to modern account sans babynapping and cannibalistic rituals.
- Come home to find mobile bill for extraordinary amount, including overdue charges from account I haven’t received a bill for.
+ Figure I can claim most of it back from work. Suckers.
- Get text message from hip hop buddy saying she is feeling too lazy to go to class. I go to reply but find that my service has been cut off.
+ Pay bill, call Optus’ Indian Bureau, get service re-connected, reply to text message.
+ Decide to go to hip hop class on my own for I am empowered and confident, if not a little uncoordinated and lacking rhythm.
- Double check timetable, find class has been cancelled only to be replaced by class at 2.30pm on Wednesdays. Oh, how convenient.
+ Decide to go for a walk instead to make up for bad eating practices during beach holiday.
- It begins to rain.
I start to mentally calculate how much money I’ve lost to banks/mobile phone companies. Realise I could have bought own apartment in Paris and be straddling French pastry chef right now.