Poor Stevie

a fella lookin’ dapper and he’s sittin’ with a slapper

I’m sitting writing this mere hours after exposing myself before the coffin of King Intef. As I admired the intricate gold decorations on his ancient tomb at the British Museum this morning, I saw a little London school boy glance at my crotch in horror. My fly was completely undone and because I’m wearing freshly washed, skinny tight black jeans it meant the zip was gaping like a laughing mouth, revealing my sensible flesh-coloured underpants. Flesh-coloured underpants which have lost a little of their elasticity and opaqueness. Excellent. That kid was more scarred by me than by dudes who have been dead for thousands of years. And poor King Intef! Although, he did live during an age where women used cow poop contraceptives, so he’s probably experienced worse.

I couldn’t let that one go to the keeper before doing a wrap up of our time in Thailand. So, Thailand! The one country where there were signs reminding me to keep my modesty in check. Here are some highlights of our adventures in Koh Samui, July 2010.

Partying like it’s 1979

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As you can tell, J-man was quite popular with the locals. I really admired him, he learnt lots of Thai phrases and delighted everyone. It would be mean of me to mention that he accidentally inserted the word “curry” into many phrases which didn’t actually include that word, so I won’t say anything about that. This photo was taken on our last night, which was probably our best night on Koh Samui. 

After a pretty quiet day relaxing by the pool, we walked up the beach to find somewhere to eat and saw that our resort was hosting a beach barbecue, complete with live entertainment. We gorged ourselves at a buffet which included crayfish, crab, lobster, massive prawns, Asian salads and kebabs. Just as I was pulling the head off a giant prawn after going back for thirds (yep, you read that right), some of the lovely ladies pictured pulled J-man and I up to dance. J-man attempted a white man hula dance with one of the girls, while my pretty partner avoided looking at my face and touching my hands which I know were both covered in a thick film of seafood debris.

But I did manage to find myself a new husband. One with fire-twirling skills! Here’s our wedding photo (check out those abber dabbers!):

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We also enjoyed the smooth sounds of the resident musicians – two middle-aged dudes named Val and Candi who played covers of old people’s songs, much to the delight of the resort’s guests who were all … super old.

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Turns out ol’ Val and Candi were also world-class salesmen and we ended up with a copy of their 2005 smash-hit album. Seriously the best Thai souvenir we could have asked for.

2. Tracing the footsteps of Leonardo DiCaprio:

Pretty much everywhere I’ve been in Asia (which sounds like I’m a seasoned traveller. I’ve only spent two weeks in Vietnam and ten days in Thailand), someone has told me it’s exactly where The Beach was filmed. You know, that awesome movie where Leo kills things with his own hands. Or, as I’ll always remember it, the movie with the mild sex scene I silently endured with my mum and our timid Japanese exchange student. Anyway, we were told we were visiting the Lagoon featured in The Beach, which upon further research turned out to be the inspiration for the lagoon in the book. But I still liked to think I had a slight chance of making out with Leo on our trip to neighbouring island Ko Toa.

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This was one stop on a boat tour of Ang Thong National Marine Park. We leisurely snorkeled and swam, but to get to the lagoon we had to climb a million stairs in crazy-stupid humidity and I almost died. No really, look at my face here. Hello, sweaty:

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3. Doing semi-Thai things:

I say “semi” because it was hard to do anything really authentic on Koh Samui, which mostly caters to cashed-up bogans on their holiday of a lifetime. And it’s not like we did our bit, staying in a resort and all, but we tried.

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We visited food markets, ate from street stalls, ate at places that made real stomach-busting Thai food, rode around in the famous no-meter metered taxis and watched an impromptu soccer match between some local men and tourists.

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Weirdest sign: “No weapon, no food, no pets, no smoking, no sex” – displayed in our bus to the airport.

Cutest Thai to English translation:J-man and I were constantly reminded of how lame we are only being able to speak English and getting by on the hope everyone else does as well. We admired Thai people for their ability to speak not only English, but French, Dutch and German as well. We did, however, come across some awesome signs and notes in our hotel. The list of DVDs we perused some nights listed movies starring actors “Hilaly Swank”, “Kate Wensak” and “Lewanwado Dicaprio”. But by far, the best was the description of the movie Up In the Air as “relationship felike”.

Funniest quote: “The Jackfruit is like a nice lady, the durian is like a yuck man” – A local recommending fruits we should and shouldn’t try.

Holler!

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  1. […] all of that was shattered by something I shall now refer to as King Intef’s curse on the flesh-coloured underpants.  I wore those beauties again on my trip to Cambridge because I was wearing a vaguely sheerish […]

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