Poor Stevie

January 2012 archive

mince meat

Recently I became a wuss-etarian.

That means I’ve stopped eating meat, but I still eat fish because they don’t have eyelashes to make me feel bad about eating them. Since my decision three months ago I’ve slipped just a couple of times and eaten meatloaf, a quarter pounder and two sausages.

The best way I can explain my decision is: I just have too many feelings. Eating meat made me feel a little bit sad and guilty, especially because it was just so delicious. I’m a complicated woman, as J-man likes to say.

Here are some other things that make me feel the way I did when I ate a steak:

– Seeing old men alone and crossing the road.

– Spending the weekend doing nothing.

– Spending the weekend doing too much.

– Hearing a baby cry.

– Throwing away rotten food.

– Buying home brand products.

– Spending money on anything, including groceries or a doctor’s appointment.

– Seeing bus drivers working on weekend nights.

– Having long showers.

– Accidentally leaving the lights on.

– Napping in the daytime.

– Looking in pet shops.

– Walking away from pet shops.

– Watching reality TV.

– Leaving a really excellent concert.

– The kid in the robe in this Cuddly ad: