Recently I became a wuss-etarian.
That means I’ve stopped eating meat, but I still eat fish because they don’t have eyelashes to make me feel bad about eating them. Since my decision three months ago I’ve slipped just a couple of times and eaten meatloaf, a quarter pounder and two sausages.
The best way I can explain my decision is: I just have too many feelings. Eating meat made me feel a little bit sad and guilty, especially because it was just so delicious. I’m a complicated woman, as J-man likes to say.
Here are some other things that make me feel the way I did when I ate a steak:
- Seeing old men alone and crossing the road.
- Spending the weekend doing nothing.
- Spending the weekend doing too much.
- Hearing a baby cry.
- Throwing away rotten food.
- Buying home brand products.
- Spending money on anything, including groceries or a doctor’s appointment.
- Seeing bus drivers working on weekend nights.
- Having long showers.
- Accidentally leaving the lights on.
- Napping in the daytime.
- Looking in pet shops.
- Walking away from pet shops.
- Watching reality TV.
- Leaving a really excellent concert.
- The kid in the robe in this Cuddly ad: